6 and a half journals

Finally I have a moment in the craziness of packing and sorting things out to post about the journals I made in Pip's memory for Yasminah's Gift of Hope! 

Pip's EDD (estimated due date) came and went. It was a difficult day, but I was overwhelmed by all the support, emails, messages and love from everyone in my life. Thank you so much to each and every one of you, you helped to make a horrible day a little bit more bearable.

I wasn't sure how I would spend Pip's EDD, but I am so glad that I found out how I could help add value to another family's life in this small and beautiful way. So off I went to the shops that week and found myself 6 large journals and one small one. The number, 6.5 is a bit odd, but it felt right to me to remember all the weeks of my baby's life. 

I had the candles lit in memory of my girl and also in memory of her other angel baby friends. So many beautiful children not in our arms where they belong :( There's an undecorated stripy  journal in the lower left corner of the picture (I forgot to take "before" pics!). But the candles helped to keep me company in a way, while I worked. 

I decided to use a generic paper as the base and to add a few accents. It all looks so simple, but it literally took me the whole day and part of the next morning to finish all the journals to how I wanted them. It was easier for me to start working on a "girl" journal first. I love all colours, but pink is my favourite, so it won for journal #1. 

Forever in my heart

Journal #2  below is probably my a tie for my favourite along with journal #3, because I adore the little dragonfly but the quote resonates with me on so many levels. After I finished, I looked at all the journals and realised that some of the embellishments (okay most of them!) were crooked. But I love that there is that little touch of humanity to show that each one was hand made. 

You and I shall never part for the gift I give you is my heart

The picture of journal #3 below doesn't do it justice. It looked a lot better in real life and I loved how the colours in the paper and embellishments matched the colours in the butterfly. I also really liked how the butterfly wasn't overly girly either. But best of all, the butterfly was a 3D sticker, so the wings actually rise above the rest of the body and the base.  I love it's elegant simplicity.

Love Eternal

I tried to work on alternate journals, but got caught up in the boys ones. So back to the girls team for journal #4 below. I loved alternating the layers of paper and ribbon for this one. Yup, it's definately crooked! I couldn't decide where to put the hearts and I'm still not sure if it looks best at the top, but I love how there is a big heart (for mummy and daddy) and a little heart (for baby). 

Sweetheart

Although I do love the pink papers I used which were very soft, lovely and subtle, I wanted to mix it up a bit more. So for journal #5, I chose stars. Stars to me have always symbolised hopes and dreams and I loved using this starry paper here. I also wanted to create a journal that could either go to a family who had experienced a loss, but also to a family whose baby may be in the NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit) or was born premature. I realise how important hope is to all families and parents, but especially to premmie parents. This is hitting a bit close to home as a friend of mine has just delivered her beautiful boy at 27 weeks and hanging on to that hope is one of the main things that will get her and her family through these next 3 months as their baby calls the NICU home for now.

And the there was you

Okay so if it looks like I was starting to run out of ideas by the time I hit journal #6, that's because I may have been running out of ideas. My inspiration was that gorgeous little blue bird and his crown. It felt only right to balance the very girly "Sweet heart" journal with a more boyish offering for a little prince. 

Mr Lovable

I loved the 3D butterfly so much that I had to add another one to journal #7. This one simply says "Memories". The colours are a lovely blue but with flower accents also, so it could go to anyone who would like it.

Memories

At the end of the day, I wanted to state the obvious, so I finished all the back covers off with a little reminder.

Made With Love

At the end of all this hard work, I got to deliver it all in person to the lovely Bec (Yasminah's mummy) who was hard at work on a Scrap for Yaz day, where I also got to make a journal for Seb! The picture isn't great, but there are two different shades of red paper on the cover. I have no doubt that I was meant to be there, even though I'd originally only planned to do a drop and run of Pip's finished journals. Bec charmed me into staying and when I sat down at a random seat and spotted this adorable tiny little felt crab straight away. Of course the crab is Sebastian's symbol. Thank you Nat for decorating a journal for my Pip the day before in the Scrap for Yaz event in Brisbane. Your little boy lives on in my heart. I have no doubt our babies are friends in heaven! 

I carried you all the days of your life

Hello my beloved princess,
Today was your estimated due date. I can't begin to describe the sense of loss I am feeling today. It is as deep as a canyon and as empty as nothingness. 

I knew that today would be hard. So very hard. So I made plans to keep myself busy. Not because I didn't want to think about you - is that even possible? I think about you all the time. I made plans because I didn't want today to be just another day.

So I've got candles lit for you and your other angel baby friends and the dinning table is covered in scrap booking paper and other bits and pieces as I work on decorating these journals in your memory. I'll write about the journals in another post, but in this letter to you I want to tell you that every journal was made with love. Each journal was also dedicated in your memory to help other families. 

Your life wasn't meaningless. Even though I still don't know why you couldn't stay with us and I ask often, there is no clear answer. Through our journey of loss with you, I have gained so many amazing new friends that I wouldn't have otherwise. I found a way to be creative and to help other families today in your memory. This whole journey has taught me how to relate to other mums and dads who are facing this situation also. Those things bring me some comfort that there were some positives to arise from this awful experience, but nothing will ever be the same as if you were here healthy, happy and well. 

Everyday daddy and I miss you. I found this saying a while ago, "I carried you all the days of your life". I loved it instantly because it is so true for me. I carried you with love, pride and joy every single day you were with me. If I was given the choice of never having been pregnant with you and not having any of this pain to deal with versus having you again, even if it was with the same outcome, I would choose the latter in a heartbeat. 

To have had you with us for however long you were able to stay was a blessing beyond measure, only I would wish that I could have had longer with you. Never ever have I regretted having you despite the agony and the grief that followed. I only grieve for how brief a moment in time I was given with you for it was far too short a time. 

I wish that you were here on earth not up there in heaven. I wish so much that I was at the hospital falling in love with you all over again. I wish that I was soaking in your newborn smell, your beautiful face and feeling your little body snuggled close. Those are the things I will never have with you, but the one thing I will always have for you is this heart full of overwhelming love.

Mummy's friend Nat, sent me this beautiful card and it says everything in my heart today. I wish today was so different than what it is. I wish that you were here. 

Fran's beautiful card range is available from Red Bubble

I've asked the angels to give you a special cuddle for me and daddy today. To tell you that you are loved and missed so very, very much. Rest in peace my precious little butterfly. You are in our hearts now and always.


Our love for you is eternal,
Mummy and Daddy xxx 

A heavy heart

My heart feels a little bit heavier today. Friday was Pip's EDD (estimated due date). So many thoughts and feelings about what might have been. The excitement, the fear of never having laboured before and not knowing what to expect, the anticipation, the overwhelming love. Last minute shopping trips to make sure everything is ready for baby to come home. Nursery all done and waiting for a new person to call it home. Hospital bag ready and waiting by the door. Coming home outfit picked. Stroller and car seat assembled, installed and ready. Waiting to feel those first hints that you are ready to meet us... 

Photo from http://yougetthepicture.net/

Instead it will be a very quiet Friday. 


Once again hubby and I are across the oceans from one another because of circumstances out of our control. We promised to do something together when we can be together again as a family a little bit later. 


I can't let the day pass as if it means nothing. So I'm doing something in Pip's memory. Blogging and being able to write here has been such a wonderful release and I have always loved books. So it feels like the right thing to do to donate some journals to Yasminah's Gift of Hope. 


This beautiful organisation that was born out of tragedy helps to support, as well raise awareness and understanding for other families who have experienced miscarriage, premature birth, neonatal loss, stillbirth, infant loss, or a diagnosis of a congenital abnormality during pregnancy or after birth. A gift of hope is a beautiful package that families receive including a beautiful hand decorated journal. 


Pip measured 6.5 weeks old at what should have been her 9 week scan. So 6 and a half journals it is. 6 large ones and one smaller sized one to make the half size. 


Yes I should be packing and doing a million other things because we're about to move overseas soon. But in 10 years when I look back on this day, I won't remember it because I was packing. I will remember it for what it meant to us. This is important and will have a longer lasting effect than packing a few boxes ever will. 


So today, I'm on a mission. Step one: find journals. Step two: decorate journals. Step three: prepare journals for donation. I feel better already knowing that I can, through Yasminah's Gift of Hope, reach out to other families in their despair. Thank you for doing the wonderful work you do, YGOH.