Our first Post-Pip Christmas

Every story has a beginning and an ending. Most stories usually have one significant event that changes the course of the lives of all affected by it, or many little events that make up the story itself. Whatever the story, I think that most stories also have a "pre" and a "post" and so it is that our story of Pip has a pre and a post to it also.

I've always loved Christmas. There really is no two ways about that, Christmas has always been an event in our household ever since we were married. It's a time when our family comes together, or while we were living overseas, it was a time we spent with close friends usually alongside a Christmas feast which takes almost ten times as long to cook and prepare as it takes to eat it all. We love our presents, not for what is contained in the gifts themselves, but mainly for the fun of going out and picking or making something that will give the other person joy, a laugh or two and something they may even treasure for a while.

All of the above is of course Pre-Pip.

I remember hoping last year when we'd first started trying for a baby that I would have some lovely news to share at Christmas time. What could be a better gift than knowing that a beautiful little person is growing inside you and will soon join your family? December 2010 came and went without that news I was hoping for, but despite the disappointment we had a great time together as a family and I took it in stride. 

So when I found out that we were pregnant in July this year, I was so excited about what this Christmas would be like with our little one this time. If everything has gone well, I'd be around about 5 months pregnant at Christmas time. It would also have been around the time when our baby would have started to move, dance and kick in the womb. I couldn't wait to feel that for myself and I know my family would have fawned over every little thing with this baby. 

In a Post-Pip world, Christmas will come and go as usual. There will be the usual Christmas feast with the usual suspects. But there will be one little person missing from the picture. I don't think Christmas will ever be the same again for me. For the first time in what feels like forever, I'm not looking forward to Christmas. At all. Where before there was a feeling of excitement and anticipation, now there only seems to be an empty bleakness.

Loosing Pip was like being hit by the grief and loss freight train. Most days I'm surprised that I have barely survived. At first there is nothing but numbness. Then comes the incredible pain which is all consuming. Then slowly by slowly I've started to learn how to take that pain and live with it. Now I feel like I'm getting ready to start doing all the things I've done normally before, only knowing that life will never be the same again. This is my new normal.

And so as Christmas rolls around this year, somehow quite by accident I've just realised that I'm part of 4 different Secret Santa's. One for work, one with a bunch of my special girlfriends and the other two are for two separate baby loss networks I'm a part of. The handmade holiday gift exchange with the girls at Grieve out Loud (GOL) and the other is a baby loss mama's group on facebook.

The handmade holiday gift exchange appeals to me because it's handmade. These past few months have had the recurring theme of handmade. Pre-Pip I'd lost my connection with handmade, but Post-Pip I've slowly started to rediscover that connection and how much I truly love making things with my hands. 

Now I'm both excited and scared about what I will be making to exchange which I joined at the last minute by the grace of my lovely penpal at GOL. But therein lies the miracle. Where before I wasn't looking forward to any part of Christmas, now there is a little glimmer of hope and something different. Maybe Christmas will never be the same again, but maybe like my new normal, it may just take a little bit of getting used to.

My Baby

We were trying to conceive for 9 months before I found out I was pregnant. It's quite hard to describe how emotional and difficult our trying to conceive journey was even though we had it good compared to some heartbreakingly difficult stories I have known others to go through. I had no known health issues, my age didn't seem to be a concern and I seemed to be fit and well. We were told that if after 12 months we don't conceive naturally, then that's when you start to worry. 

It was an emotional rollercoaster. Every month, even though I tried to stay neutral, in my heart it was difficult to put a lid on the hope that would build up. Every month I would have phantom pregnancy symptoms and wonder if maybe there was a chance that it was real this time, or if my body and mind were just ganging up on me again. Every month for those nine months I eventually found out that I was not pregnant and I would come crashing down to earth again.

And so when it came to July 2011, when I was due to go on a big overseas adventure, I told myself that I had to stop obsessing, because trying to conceive can really become an obsession very quickly. I researched it, I joined forums and groups to "find my people" who were going through the same thing, I even had apps on my mobile phone to help me keep track of dates, symptoms and whatever else there was to keep track of. 

I remember sitting in the airplane just as it was about to leave the gates and I knew that if I was to truly enjoy my holiday, I would have to let it go completely. So right there and then, I deleted every app on my phone relating to babies and conceiving. It was hard to let go of months of data (it helped to know that if I really needed the data, I had a backup on my computer at home, or so I hoped) but it was harder still to let go, because it felt like a part of me was letting go of a dream, a hope and a very strong desire to become a parent. 

I can be a very stubborn woman and once I decide on something, that's usually it. I was determined to give trying to conceive a break, because I was holidaying with family and without my husband, it was also kind of a forced break from it in that way. 

So off I went and had the best holiday I've had in a very long time. To cut a long story short, I found out halfway through my holiday that I was pregnant. I was soooooo excited and rang hubby up at 1.30am his time to share the news. We were so excited that we couldn't keep the news from our immediate family members and close friends, who were all over the moon for us.

When a blood test by my GP confirmed my pregnancy, our baby was the size of an apple pip and that is how her name (strong girl feeling) "Pip" came about. We couldn't wait for our 9 week scan, but in the meantime, I excitedly experienced all the changes of my pregnancy and even bought some very cute baby items (cot sheet set, blankets, newborn sized clothes) even though I was trying to restrain myself until the 12 week "safety barrier", which I now know is really a myth.

I can't describe the bond I feel with my Pip because words are not enough. This is the baby that we had longed for and desperately wanted for so long. Finally, finally, finally she was here with us and when we least expected it too. It was poetry. So many people say that when you let it go, that's when it happens and for us it seemed like that was exactly what had happened.

I talked to her, I sang to her, I eagerly downloaded new apps for my phone, this time relating to pregnancy and how my baby is developing and changing every day and every week. Together we delighted in all the little changes she was going through. I'd send my husband random text messages as I learnt more "Pip's the size of a raspberry this week!" He would send me big smileys and love in his return messages. We could barely contain our joy and it was one of the happiest times we have had together yet. 

I tried to do all the right things. Researched what foods I could and could not eat while pregnant (even had an app for that!), took my pregnancy vitamins religiously and stopped exercising just in case that might have hurt the baby in any way. Zero alcohol and caffeine and loaded up on fresh fruits and veg (I struggle with eating vegetables, but was happy to do it for Pip). Stopped using my electric blanket in the middle of a very cold winter because I'd read that it could cause serious problems, refrained from hot showers (which I love - the hotter the better) because I'd also read that it was risky. Everything I did or didn't do was for and because of my baby. All we wanted was for her to grow up healthy and strong. Despite being in the early stages of pregnancy, we had both already formed an incredible attachment to our baby.

She was so tiny, but we loved her so very much and wanted her so desperately. The weeks that followed, leading up to the miscarriage were so utterly devastating and heartbreaking for us that I would not wish it on anyone at all. I'd heard of falling in love at first sight and perhaps that's the closest I can come to describing how quickly we found ourselves totally and completely loving our baby.

If you are reading this and can relate to the emotional rollercoaster of trying to conceive or have experienced a miscarriage or the loss of your child, I am so very sorry. My hope is that you will find your peace in your own journey as I a hope to find in mine.