Learning to live with the pain

Hi baby girl,

These past few weeks have been different. I'm starting to find that these days I have more good days than bad days.

When I say "good days", that doesn't mean a day when I don't think about you, because I can't see that happening anytime soon. I think I will always find you in the little things - a pretty flower, the flutter of a butterfly's wings, a rainbow... There isn't a day that has gone by when I haven't thought about you. The difference is now I can think of you and begin to smile, knowing that you are transformed, living a life that is pain free, I hope you are living it up in Heaven and rocking with the angel baby family you have up there.

At first, not feeling the same deep, deep sadness that I felt at the start made me feel guilty and sad. But I know that everyone grieves differently. Just because I'm not a sobbing mess anymore doesn't mean that I love you and miss you any less. It's not like any of this makes any more sense. Not at all, I still don't get why things had to happen this way. I still wish with all my heart that you were here and growing bigger and stronger every day inside me. I don't think that wish will ever change.

How do you grieve for someone you've never met, yet love with all your heart? I don't know, so I had to find my own way. My way has been to honour your memory by talking about you to anyone and everyone who will listen. By finding other mummies who live everyday without their precious babies, just like daddy and I live everyday without you.

My way is to pour all the love I have for you into creating something special and beautiful just for you. My way is to dream about you while I sew another little stitch into your very own quilt. Do you like the colours I've chosen for you? Do you like the patterns and the shapes? I hope so. Maybe one day you can tell me exactly what you think of it.

I know that you wouldn't want me to be sad forever. Daddy said that to me the other day and so did some of the other angel mummies I speak to often. Most days are good, but some days are still bad.

The other day I drove past the hospital where I went to see the doctor for you. The thought that if everything had gone well, I'd still be going there for you brought tears to my eyes. Then another day, a lady I work with brought her newborn granddaughter in to work. It broke my heart to hold that tiny, beautiful little girl and know that I will never get to hold you like that. Nor will your grandmother, who was so very excited about being a grandmother, get the chance to introduce you to her friends like that. 

Yes, some days are still bad. But most days are good. I still love you and miss you every single day. I still wear the necklace I had made for you and it helps to know you are symbolically near, even though I know you will always be in my heart.

Another angel mummy said that this means I'm learning to live with the pain. I want you to know that while that learning process is still hard, painful and awkward, I'm getting better everyday. I don't like the thought that you may be worrying over me or daddy, because you're a beautiful child of heaven and should be happy and free without worries. So know this my love, I will never stop loving you but very, very, very slowly I think that great big gaping hole in my heart is starting to mend - ironically, with the very thing that makes it hurt so very much. My love for you. 

It's a swelteringly hot day here today, I hope heaven has ice creams with chocolate sprinkles for you. 

I love you always and forever my baby girl.
You are always in my heart.
mummy xxx

Why?

Hi sweetheart,

It's mummy again. I haven't stopped thinking about you this week. Or ever, really. You are always in my heart. They say that time is supposed to help heal all wounds and maybe in time I will feel better, but this week I seem to have been missing you more than ever. 

This week, I know of two beautiful children who have arrived in the world and their mummies and daddies are celebrating their joy with the world. I couldn't wait for the day when you would arrive, so that I could show the world my beautiful daughter. I know you would have been the apple of our eyes. In another part of the country, another angel mummy I know is grieving her little boy who was meant to arrive this week. I asked the world why are some families blessed with beautiful healthy children and not others? It doesn't seem fair that not every baby is born healthy and strong.

As hard as I try, I still don't understand why you were taken from us. It seems that everywhere I look, I see beautiful, glowing, pregnant mummies and it hurts my heart that you are not here with me where you belong. This week I also saw pictures of other mummies who are expecting their babies to arrive around the same time you were due. Pictures of their bellies growing with their babies. I looked down at my belly, it feels too flat and too empty without you here. 

The doctor said that maybe you had to go because your organs hadn't formed properly and you couldn't survive. I'm so sorry that my body failed you and you didn't get what you needed from me to grow up big and strong. I would have given my right arm, my life and my soul for you if it would have helped to give you what you needed to be okay. Somedays I am so angry because I know that there was nothing I could do to help you after we found out that you weren't okay. 

That one week we waited between scans, was the longest week of our lives. Did you hear daddy when he told you about all the places in the world he would like to show you? Did you hear me when I sang to you? You are still my sunshine and I hope that you'll know how much I love you and always will. I am so very sad today because my sunshine was taken from me. 

I want you to know that I'm not afraid to talk about you, my darling girl. I don't have any photos of you to show the world, to tell them here she is, my little Pippy. But like any mother I know, I want the world to know that you were here, no matter however briefly you were able to stay. And everyone who hears about you knows how much we loved you. I wish you could hear us talk about you. 

I hope you are in heaven where it's safe and warm. I hope that there are some very special angels there who can hold you when you're sad and tell you how much we love and miss you every single day. I hate the thought of you being alone. Maybe some day you will come back to us as our rainbow baby. Or maybe you're transformed now and you will stay to look over your family.Wherever you are, I hope you are okay and know love.

I've cried so many tears for you sweetheart and just when I think I'm all out of tears, there comes some more. I miss you so very, very much. There isn't a day that goes by when I don't think about you and wonder why all of this happened. 

The other day I was in a store and felt someone watching me. I looked up and saw this little figurine sitting on a shelf above me. I don't usually buy or collect figurines, so it was strange that I fell in love with this one straight away. I have been wondering what shape the wings on your heart blocks should be and when I looked at the wings on this little angel, I knew that they had to face up like hers. She sits on my desk and I look at her and think of you. I love her, but I wish I didn't need anything here to symbolise you. I wish you could still be here with us.

I miss you so much, Pippy.

I love you always and forever, to the moon and back,

Mummy xxx.