It's here!

In November, I posted about the handmade holiday gift exchange that my wonderful friend at Grieve out loud arranged for Christmas. I knew that Christmas was going to be a difficult time for me to get through, especially my first Christmas! And so when Julie told me how much participating in a gift exchange had helped her get through her first Christmas, I knew that I had to be a part of it.


When December came and went without Julie's gift arriving, she worried that perhaps it had gotten lost in the post. I knew that it would arrive just when I needed it and it did! I was having a good day and getting her parcel in the mail was just the cherry on top of it all! 

Here's the mystery parcel out of the envelope. It's hard to see in the picture but it's carefully wrapped up in a lovely pink fabric. It's so special to know that not only did she pick it especially for me out of her personal stash, but it's also very close to her heart as it was bought for her first baby( who ended up being a boy).


And then I unwrapped it to find this!! 

Isn't it gorgeous? The letters are made out of fabric and there are hearts scratched into the golden background as well. I don't know where it will go exactly yet, but it will be to a special spot in our home. For now, it will also follow me around the house like my other treasured Pip things. 

Thank you so much Julie! I love it and I thank my lucky stars for you everyday!! 

A blessed pair

One of the things I really struggled with in the lead up to Christmas last year was how I'd remember and include our angel baby in Christmas from here on out. I shopped for ornaments in the stores around me but couldn't find anything that really fit Pip. All the Christmas angel ornaments I found were beautiful, but they were all adult angels as opposed to baby angels. When I did find ornaments for babies, they were all "Baby's first Christmas" baubles in one form or another. 

Since we married, we've had a tradition of adding an ornament or three to our Christmas tree each year. Often it's something that represents the country or place we're living in. But this year I knew it had to be a special one for our special baby. And so once the search in the world around me proved fruitless, I turned to the internet. 

How do I love thee Etsy, let me count the ways! The little angel ornament on the right caught my eye from the moment I saw it on my search listings. I'm not sure what I loved exactly, perhaps it's the fact that the angel is clearly not an adult, or perhaps it was the way she was holding her teddy bear that seemed so innocent and childlike. But I felt a connection to her and the rest was history. 

The lovely artist who made it also gave me the option of customizing her hair and skin colour (a very significant detail which helps this ornament mean so much more to me personally). So our little angel ornament ended up with curly dark hair (curly like mummy's and dark for both mum and dad). I also loved being able to customize it with Pip's name. I would have loved to have given Pip her own special teddy bear and so who knows? Maybe this is my way of indirectly filling that void too. I prefer not to over analyse.

In the end, I was also blessed with the angel figurine on the left as a gift from the artist! Thank you so much! How lucky am I? I love her, she's so beautiful and I absolutely love how she doesn't have a face, because she could be anyone at all that way. 

I haven't decided if the bigger angel is Pip's guardian angel or mine? Either way, I know that this pair will be a very special part of our future Christmases, but for now like my other things for Pip, they follow me around the house and keep me company everyday. My girl is never far from me, in thoughts, materially through the things I have around to remind me of her and in my heart. I am indeed blessed to have the freedom to remember and grieve my child so openly. 

The storm during the calm

After a lovely, big and chaotic family Christmas, we're home again. I am so grateful that our first Christmas without Pip wasn't as devastatingly horrible as I thought it would be. 

While it was still very difficult and while I still felt that hole in my heart, the day itself passed quickly. I think the busyness of the day helped to ease the hurt a little.

It's boxing day, the day after Christmas and somehow I just can't bear to look at these bright and happy ornaments any longer. So down they come and back into the box they go for another year. 

I used to be that girl who had my tree up in November and would maybe start thinking about taking it down in January when everyone around me grumbled about how long we've already had it up for. I loved Christmas. It hasn't even been 24 hours and now Christmas is already neatly packed away. Out of sight, waiting in the darkness for next year to roll around.

Maybe what this is, is a delayed reaction to Christmas. Now that I am in a quiet moment, by myself and in a place where I can think about my girl uninterupted, I realise that the storm hasn't truly passed. It's still there.

It's easy to get caught up in thoughts like Will it ever pass? It's a lot harder to try to stay positive for another day and to continue hoping for a better tomorrow. But sometimes hope is all there is. 

This too shall pass. Hang on to hope for a better tomorrow.

Dear December, no offense, but you suck. Can we please fast forward to February next year.

Yours Sincerely,

San.

So this is Christmas

Hello my girl,

So today was Christmas day. Daddy and I spent it with the family at Nanna's place. I was expecting it to be a very difficult day and it was in parts, but on the whole I was surprised that it was relatively good. The blur of activity helped and the chaos and madness of children, Santa and presents helped it go faster too.

Both your Nannas remembered you in very special ways. Daddy's mummy gave us little crystal angel ornaments for our tree. Mine is a pink one and daddy's is a bright blue one. Almost aqua! I think you'd like them. She also gave me a lovely little angel candle and when she did, she sang a little song about angels looking down from heaven over us. That made me a bit sad because I thought about you and wondered if you were there with us in spirit. Nanna and I had a little cry and daddy gave me a big cuddle which helped me feel better.

Your other Nanna, my mummy, gave me two little angel pendants for you. One is silver with white crystal stones that I will wear with your other pendant and the other was a little gold one with a tiny golden angel. I love them both.

The Christmas tree was up today and there were special ornaments on it for everyone. My special friend sent me some beautiful ornaments for you and kept one of the same on her tree to remind her of you. I feel so blessed to have such beautiful and thoughtful friends. She sent me a silver apple and an angel ornament for you. An apple for my Pip and an angel for my angel. Even so, I couldn't bear to put up a real Christmas tree in our house. Putting one up this year was hard enough, so I simplified and stuck some branches of Christmas berries in a vase, which looked pretty enough to pass as our make-shift tree.

Nanna (my mummy) also rescued some red apple ornaments from a friend who wanted to find new homes for them and put them on our tree for me to discover. I've been looking everywhere for red apple ornaments like the ones I remember from when I was a little girl, but I haven't been able to find them anywhere. I had the biggest smile on my face when I saw them hanging on the tree. Two little red apples for my girl. They were old and one had lost it's stem, but they were still perfect and beautiful to me.

Mummy's friend Jeanette, whom I'm sure would have been like another Nanna to you, gave me a golden yellow shooting star ornament. It was perfect and I loved it from the moment I saw it. Daddy said he saw a shooting star on Christmas eve. Did you send him one? I didn't ask him what he wished for because his special wish may not come true if it was no longer a secret. How perfect that all your colours somehow found their way to us.

The strangest ornament for you this year is perhaps the tiny little angel figurine I found in a charity shop many years ago. Before you my lovely girl, I never really understood angels, I liked them of course, but I was never really drawn to angel things. Yet one day, many years before you were even here, I found this tiny little angel in a purple dress, with green wings, who's holding a red ball in her arms and knew that I had to bring her home. She wasn't worth much money, but I loved her from the moment I saw her. I found her the other day when I was trying to be brave about hanging up our christmas ornaments. Then it struck me that it looks like she's holding a red apple. It made me hope that you are with angels who are keeping you close and safe. I love her even more now and despite parts of her missing some paint, you guessed it, I love her all the same.

Were you watching when Santa arrived? Your cousins were so excited to see him walk through the door to deliver presents! I'm sure you knew that it was secretly Uncle Matty dressed up as Santa, but it was fun all the same. I hope someone will tell you someday about Santa. Maybe one day I will get to tell you myself? It made me sad to think that every year there would have been a photo with Santa and you would have been able to tell him what you wanted for Christmas if you'd been a good girl. Does heaven have a special Santa for the children without their families there? I really do hope so. 

I wonder if there would have been presents under the tree for you if you'd still been here. I'm sure there would have been. There still were, but they were presents of a different kind. Presents for me to remember you, not presents for a baby to play with. Although this wouldn't have been your first Christmas, it would have been our first Christmas with you. It seems so wrong that now it's our first Christmas without you.

Maybe if you'd still been here, I would have had an excuse not to have gone climbing on the rocks with Daddy, your cousins and Mika. I was so very careful when I was pregnant with you, doing everything I knew of to keep you safe. I don't think Daddy would have let me go with him if you were still here even if I wanted to, because he was very over protective of you and me. He called us "his girls" and always hovered over me (and you).

I would have stayed far away from the Christmas drinks. Also not safe for you, my love. But since you're not here, I had a little champagne and white wine. It was nice enough, but I would have rather had you here and not had any at all. 

The big hole in my heart was still there today. Having everyone here and being surrounded by love and family helped to make it a little bit better. I never stopped thinking of you, but somehow my heart found a little bit of peace.

I thought of all the other angel mummies and their babies. Are you all friends in heaven because we are friends on earth? We think about you everyday and talk about you with each other. You will always be our children and today especially, you were missed so much. 

I hope you felt a little bit more loved today, because we were all thinking of you, my little love. Christmas will never be the same for me again, but just like my new normal, I seem to have found my new Christmas. So this is what it's like. This is Christmas without you.  


I miss you my beautiful girl.

I Love You, always and forever, all the way to heaven and back,

Mummy xxx