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Friday 1 June 2012

Right where I am 2012: 8 months 3 weeks and 3 days.

8 months, 3 weeks and 3 days ago our baby left my body in a missed miscarriage. That is the exact moment my life divided into a "before" and "after". BP - Before Pip and AP - after Pip. 

Before Pip, I was so incredibly excited to be an expectant mum. I was naive and so innocent about the miracle of life. I don't think I took it for granted, but not knowing the million and twelve things that could go wrong makes one drift through pregnancy on the hazy cloud of bliss. After Pip, every day is a miracle. A very scary miracle that I am well aware could be snatched away at any time. 

Before Pip, my life hadn't been without it's challenges. But After Pip, all of those experiences paled somewhat in comparison. Before Pip, I was secure in the knowledge that I was surrounded by family and friends who loved and supported me. After Pip, I am anchored in that love and support. Yes, there have been people who have drifted away, people who did not know how to act or what to say and so said stupid things and acted in a hurtful way, but for every person I lost, I feel that I have gained at least 2 new friends who humble me with their gentle compassion and quiet support. I am still meeting new friends everyday, other women, mothers, grandmothers, sisters, fathers and husbands who are trying to make sense of things the same way I did at the very start. The people I meet who are further along their journey give me hope and the assurance that yes life continues and no, your heart never forgets. Then there are those who have endured multiple losses. What you have survived and healed from seems nothing short of miraculous to me. One baby dying was horrible enough, I cannot imagine how heart breaking and horrible it would be to experience that loss again and again and again. Your strength and courage humble me. 

8 months, 3 weeks and 3 days ago I had no idea how I would survive this. The pain was so big. It felt so much bigger than me. It was oppressive, it was overwhelming and I couldn't look past it to see a future that could ever have happiness in it in the same way. And I was right. In a way happiness isn't the same. I don't think it will ever be the same again. But happiness is there and it does exist. Slowly, slowly the little things that used to make me happy are making me happy again. The laugh my husband loves has returned. There may be fewer tears and now I can think of my girl, say hello, I love you and I can say thank you for giving me the opportunity to have been your mummy for those short weeks. 

For reasons that we will never know, our Pip stopped growing in-utero at 6 weeks and 5 days. My doctor said that there was no reason. Sometimes these things just happen. There may be no reason, but I want a reason. I need a reason. Why did this happen? What did I do? Or what did I not do right? How can I make sure this never happens again if I don't know what to avoid or what to do? 

Right now it's especially frightening as we recently found out that we are expecting baby #2. Some people probably think I'm crazy for saying that, you know - as if we have a baby #1! Those people don't understand that I will always have a baby #1 and nothing can ever change that. No matter how many children we have or don't have from here, I will always be Pip's mummy and she will always be my first baby, just as this baby will always be my second. If they can't see that, then they are the ones who are not seeing clearly.

My cycles have always been irregular but are mostly around a 26 day cycle mark. That means that I could even be 7 weeks and 3 days along today. For a traditional 28 day cycle, it would mean that I would be 6 weeks and 3 days along today. We won't know for sure how far along we are until we have our first scan, so we're falling onto the 6 weeks and 3 days mark until we know better. 

Here we are in a new country, trying to make a new life in a foreign land. I didn't dream that we would fall pregnant again this quickly. I am overjoyed and I am terrified at he same time. I was lucky enough to find a good ob/gyn who was recommended by a friend. But still the trauma and horror of loosing one baby has never truly gone away. When my new doctor asked about Pip, I cried. Which is silly because I knew she would have to know and that she would ask. I was prepared enough to bring a copy of my medical notes from my GP. In the pile is a note sent by my previous ob/gyn to my GP back home stating that I had a "non viable intra uterine pregnancy. She (i.e me) prefers to wait for spontaneous resolution and has chosen not to have a D&C". I cried when I talked about my baby because to me she wasn't a non viable intra uterine pregnancy. She was my baby. She was a little person with organs, tiny hands and feet and a little heart. I cried and they were not gentle, graceful, delicate tears. It was the ugly cry that makes it impossible to speak past the sobs, the ugly cry that makes you sound like you're suffocating and the ugly cry that you never ever want to cry in front of another person. It was not one of my best moments. But my doctor listened, passed the tissues and told me that she can relate, as she herself had experienced two miscarriages. I was in the company of a kindred spirit. Thank you universe for bringing us together. 

I am mostly okay now, but I have never forgotten. I am blessed to see my baby everywhere. Some people call their babies angels, I do sometimes and sometimes I don't. I can see how she might be an angel now, but I can also see that maybe she's just who she always has been. I don't need a concrete definition to love and hold my baby in my heart. Whenever I see things that have an apple design, especially apples with little pips in them my heart smiles. Whenever I see anything about angel babies, I remember and I send a prayer of peace upwards. The other day I was in an accessories shop, just one of those generic shops that sell necklaces, earrings and other bits and bobs. I found a little leather bracelet with silver charms hanging of it. Each silver charm said either "Peace" or "Dream". My mind immediately thought of my little Pip. I hope she is at peace and I can now dream of a future. I bought the bracelet because it made me smile. Right there in that shop I said hello to my little girl, thank you and I hope you're at peace now. I love you and I blew her a little kiss. 

6 weeks and 3 days is a terrifying time right now because our first baby died at 6 weeks and 5 days. I haven't stopped hoping and praying that this little one will beat the odds and keep growing past the 6 weeks and 5 day mark. Please keep growing way past that mark. 

My heart is in two places. I have definitely come to terms with our loss and mostly I feel peace and hope now where there was pain and hopelessness before. But I also feel like I'm just a step away from hearing those dreadful words again. "I'm sorry there's no heartbeat". Where most people happily announce their pregnancies to the world at 12 weeks, I know that we probably won't until at least 20 weeks, if we even do at all. After the NT scan and after we know that signs are pointing towards a healthy and growing baby, maybe. Even then, knowing so many families whose beautiful babies have died at 22 weeks, 26 weeks, 34 weeks, 38 weeks and even at 40 weeks, I know that there won't be any real guarantee until my baby is in my arms. Happy, healthy and alive. And even then, is that even a guarantee that you're past the "danger" mark? 

For now we're going back to the basics and breaking it down to small pieces. For now all we're focusing on at our scan is a baby who is alive. Please God let our baby be alive. 

This is life at 8 months, 3 weeks and 3 days. My words don't sound very happy and cheery for that I'm sorry, perhaps I haven't spoken of the good moments enough but there are other posts on this blog which do that. What have I learned? I have learned that hope does exist. Tomorrow can and may be a brighter day, but it may also be a horribly shitty day. I have learned that there are no guarantees in life. I have learned to live in every moment and to have hope for the future, but to also make allowances for when everything goes to hell. Life can and will get better, but I have learned right where I am that peace and hope are possible. For today, that is enough. 


Angie at still life with circles started this blogging project called "Right where I am". She wrote a post last year and this year at the same time, she reflects on what is different and where she is now. Last year at this time I had no idea what I was in for and I didn't know that this baby loss community even existed. This year, I'm glad to be a part of the project. I am so grateful every single day for this community and for the love and support I have found in your words, your stories and your generous hearts. 

19 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry for the loss of your little Pip.

    I'm glad to read of your return to happiness, that your laugh has come back and that there are fewer tears.

    It can be a scary place, this new world where there are no guarantees, where you are never wholly past the danger mark, but there is still hope and I am hoping for you and your dear baby number 2.

    Remembering Pip and sending peace

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    1. Thank you Catherine. Every little bit of hope helps. I read your post too and I wish you, Georgina and your family love, hope and peace in your journey. Thank you for your kind words.

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  2. Sorry for the loss of little Pip. You are so right when you say life is forever divided in to before and after. That's certainly how I feel. I barely recognise the girl I was for 29 years, Before Hope.
    Hoping baby number two grows big and strong and comes home with you at the end of a very healthy pregnancy.
    xo

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    1. Hi Sally,

      Thank you so much for your message and for your well wishes. Thinking of your beautiful Hope Angel and sending you and your family love, hope and peace also.

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  3. Sending good healthy thoughts to baby number 2 and light and love to baby number 1.
    I'm so glad you have such support surrounding you.

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  4. Thank you Amelia, it's an agonizing wait till our first scan and I'm wishing time would go by faster. I read your post too and my heart is full of sadness for your losses, I'm so sorry. I can relate to what you said about not taking things for granted, I don't think I did before, but now After Pip (AP) it certainly makes me more aware and grateful. Wishing you and your family peace, love and hope for the future.

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  5. So sorry for your loss of Pip. Pregnancy after loss is hard! I prayed the entire 40 weeks 5 days of my pregnancy for my baby to be okay all the way until my rainbow was in my arms on April 19, 2012. Screw other people this baby IS baby #2 if they don't see them they are the messed up ones (((HUGS))) My Logan will always be baby #4 (or maybe three since baby b - Cameron - his twin - is one of my angels) and I couldn't care less if that upsets people that I say that. I have a necklace with all my angels names AND Logans name on it because THEY are siblings and ALL my children :) Much love to you I pray your rainbow reaches your arms safely and that this pregnancy is as stress free as possible! Thank you for sharing <3

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    1. Jessica, thank you so much for your kind words and support. I'm so sorry for the loss of your sweet babies, I love how you remember them and the letters at the end of your posts that you write are beautiful. I can relate to the feeling of not having anything to show for it (as you wrote about in last year's post) as I don't have any ultrasound pictures or anything to "show for it" either, just the memories in my heart. And what a journey your pregnancy has been plus the loss of your nana, you have really been through so much but somehow through it all you survived and thrived, you're an inspiration. Congratulations on the safe arrival of your spunky rainbow Logan Charles :) Thank you and I send you and your family love, light and peace <3

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    2. Thank you! I pray all the best for you! <3

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    1. Hi Merry,

      Thank you so much. I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby Freddie. I love the way you write, it's beautifully descriptive and I could picture the landscapes of grief and healing you spoke of so clearly in my mind. It's wonderful that he was a force for good in your lives as you said and made your relationship stronger as well as made you better parents. Baby Ben is absolutely adorable, Congratulations! Thanks again and I wish you and your family all the best xx

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  7. Sending you ALL my love honey!!!! And praying each day for you and your newest little one...

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    1. Nat,
      Thank you my beautiful friend. I don't know what I'd do without you. Praying for the same for you and remembering your sweet Sebby always. Lots of love xxx

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  8. I am so sorry for the loss of your Pip. Hoping so hard for you and this new little one. Pregnancy after a loss can be such a scary emotional roller coaster ride, and I'm wishing you peace and love as you go through it.

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  9. Erica,
    Thank you so much for your kind thoughts. I'm sorry it's taken me so long to respond I've been so sick that most days I can barely get out of bed. I am so very sorry for the loss of your sweet Teddy. I can relate to feeling my baby everywhere around me all the time also and I hope that that feeling will always bring you comfort and peace. I read your post and I am inspired by your bravery and how you are facing everything that is happening in your life so steadily. I wish you and your family all the love, peace and strength in the world as you walk through each day together. You write beautifully. San xxx

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  10. I'm sorry that Pip is not in your arms right now. I'm pleased that Pip's little sibling is nestled in your womb right now and wishing a healthy and happy pregnancy and beyond for him/her and you.

    It is so hard to have hope when your innocence is stripped away by baby loss. My mantra through my subsequent pregnancy was "Hope doesn't make bad things happen". It helped me to hold the hope and the anxiety together somehow.

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  11. Dear Jill,

    Thank you for your support and encouragement. I'm so sorry for the loss of your beautiful Emma. I think it's wonderful that you're reaching out to other families and hope that you will be able to facilitate the group you spoke of on your blog. What a blessing it will be to so many.

    Thank you for your kind words, we miss our girl every single day. I hope that everything will go okay too. I'm feeling so very sick right now that I'm trying to survive this pregnancy one day at a time. Still, feeling like rubbish is an odd reminder that perhaps things are going well (maybe). I can't help but put in a conditional reference too, I think it's something we all do that I've noticed. I can relate to the feeling of loosing your innocence, now that I know how many awful things can happen it's hard not to be a wreck, but trying to keep positive and focus on the good things as much as I can. I love your mantra, hope is big in my heart right now and I am hanging on to it with every fiber of my being for all our sakes :)

    Thank you and I wish you and your family love, light and peace xxx

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  12. I totally get your fear. Once life has made it so painfully clear that there's no guarantees, it can never be the same again. I hope Pip's little sibling makes it safely into your arms. Wishing you peace and healing.

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    1. Thank you so much Helene, there really are none are there? I find myself still using phrases like "if the baby makes it..." and am a nervous wreck before scans because of the trauma of finding one baby still at a scan. That fear never seems to go away. I am so very sorry for the loss of your baby boy 11 years ago. Your post was so moving, I love the way you write. I wish you the same peace and healing and lots of love for the future.

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