Monday, 26 September 2011

My heart isn't ready

Today I had my post-miscarriage check at the hospital. It's a routine check-up, just to make sure that everything that was meant to come out (tissue matter etc.) during the miscarriage has indeed come out. My worst nightmare would have been my Obstetrician telling me that I needed a D&C. 

It's not logical, but to me it felt like needing a D&C would have defeated the whole purpose of having a natural miscarriage in the first place, (for me at least) because I hated the thought of anything surgical touching what was left of my little girl inside me.I read that the likelihood of anything actually being left behind in my uterus was very low because I would have had some very serious symptoms by now if that was the case, but I don't really know what to expect anymore sometimes.

So my doctor had a look and said that my uterus looks "nice and healthy". To me the ultrasound just looked like a bunch of grey lines, but I suppose that's what the years of training are for. 

He also gave me a look and said "your body is ready". I'm gathering that he means my body is ready to conceive again. But the thing is, my heart is not ready. So where does that leave us?

Again, this isn't a logical thought, very much an emotional one, but at this point in time, planning to have a baby just feels like we would be trying to replace Pip. While intellectually I know that that can never be true, simply because Pip can never be replaced, emotionally...well try telling my heart that. 

It all gets so confusing sometimes. 

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